Awayday preview : Brentford, Saturday 21 October
OK, before we start – if you’re looking for team news, betting tips or anything vaguely sensible, you’re on the wrong website. This is the first of what will (probably) become regular match previews of away games, full of handy hints on how our intrepid travellers can enjoy themselves to the full in foreign cities. Or we might get bored and give up in a fortnight. Anyway…
How to get there
Griffin Park is the most accessible football ground in the world, located just a couple of miles from the world’s busiest international airport. Simply fly to Heathrow and catch the Piccadilly Line towards South Ealing. It won’t be working properly of course, so you’ll have to hail a cab from Boston Manor or Osterley.
Griffin Park is a proper old fashioned football ground, ie, a bit of a tip. We’ll get wet if it rains and the acoustics throughout are rubbish except, bizarrely, in the ugly new stand behind the home goal which was unintentionally designed as an echo chamber. Fart in here and you will literally never hear the last of it. The three legged cat who used to roam the away end sadly passed away in 1995. Famously, there is a pub on each corner of the ground, though two are reserved for West London naturists and none actually serve beer.
Brentford are known as The Bees, thought to be because their ground was built on an ancient bee burial site. As a mark of respect, to this day the club serves Honey Nut Cornflakes in the tea bars.
Kew Gardens – an anarchic jungle where mad dinosaur-loving scientists and cynical mathematicians have managed to recreate a prehistoric park from the DNA of insects preserved in amber
The Elevated Section of the M4 – an often overlooked national treasure which pre-dates Stone Henge. To this day, no-one knows how it was built, or how it remains standing
Brentford fans are a sober but harmless bunch, renowned for knitting vigorously throughout home matches. Easily spotted in their natty red and white striped balaclavas, their favourite chants include “We are Brentford, Super Brentford, Super Bees”, “Hey Jude” and “Lip Up Fatty”, in tribute to former Brentford and Gills legend Bob Taylor.
Brentford Hate Figures
Nicky “Greedy Little Bastard” Forster; Chris Kamara, who before becoming an iconic Sky pundit was simply a Swindon reject; Robbie Cooke, obligatory cheating little shit from the 80s
- A classy finish from Francis Joseph to equalise in 1983. Of course that was when he played for them before deteriorating to the inebriated muppet that turned out at Priestfield as his career slumped to a halt
- David Fry’s masterclass of goal-keeping in 1984, when the Gills defence went through the sort of leaky period of which even the current rearguard would be proud, and our net was rattled five times
- The original Elsey rocket, a sublime volleyed winner in 1985 at a half built Griffin Park
- Keith Cassells’ shiney pate
- A cracking 3-2 defeat in 86/87 as traditional March madness set in. Featured a delightfully bundled Cascarino goal after a hoolie of a goalmouth scramble, a precise slid finish by the on-load Colin Gordon, and the heartbreak of a last ditch defeat after a rare foul-up by Ron Hillyard
- Mark Cooper playing at centre back in a Freight Rover Trophy tie in 1988. We lost 2-0 and we got drenched, a night which witnessed the introduction of the carrier-bag-on-head weather protection later made famous at Cheltenham
- Andy Gray raving about Alan Walker as we stormed back to snatch a 3-3 draw in an early Sky televised FA Cup tie. A corking night, half wrecked by a massive rumble with the Met as they tried to arrest anyone enjoying themselves at the final whistle
- Brentford fans singing “2-0 to the Loyal Bees” in 1998 after they perceived that we had stolen their entire team in the close season. They were wrong – we hadn’t finished and went back for Taylor and Asaba
A robust 0-0 draw featuring a sterling defensive display from Johnson and Cox. Baz Savage red carded for knocking a Virgin Atlantic 747 out of the sky with a mis-placed header.
The Morty Vicker